The Parent Pendulum

Rethinking generational patterns.

Image credit: Anita Jankovic on Unsplash.

The parent pendulum

I first noticed this in China
as an outsider looking in
The overcompensation,
the pivot from side to side
with every generation.

When all someone
remembers of their
childhood is that
they never learned to read,
how they nearly 
froze to death,
and had very little to eat.

Can you blame them then 
if they insist
that their kids go to school
the year they turn three?
Giving them an early start
towards working 
on their degree.

In every single family
we do this in some way.
With the best of intentions
and the hopes of 
making everything okay.

But we cannot fix
the past by projecting
our childhood wounds 
onto the ones we’re 
trying to protect.

We’re not breaking
the pattern if our
best hope is that
they will do better
because “we gave 
them what we
never had”.

Especially if that
giving comes
with unrealistic
expectations,
and the pressure of
fulfilling our dreams
even if it costs them
secretly falling apart
at the seams.

The true battle of
breaking patterns
is always within,
and reparenting
our younger selves
is where we 
need to begin.

Because our deepest
parental motivations
cannot be based on
‘never being like our fathers’.
And we cannot change
any narrative if we
keep on internalizing
the toxic sayings 
of our mothers.

We have to face
how we were hurt
despite them often
not even knowing
what they did.

Assuming they
could only teach us
what they knew,
and believed 
to be true.

I believe the greatest
gift we can give
our kids are dealing
with our own 
unhealed trauma
and figuring out
how to make our 
lives the final series
of ongoing 
family drama.

There is only one way 
to break the cycle,
to stop the pendulum 
going from the far left,
to the far right,
effectively being 
a wrecking ball,
destroying everything
In sight.

And that is dealing 
with our version
of the pain and heartache
that comes with rejection
or growing up in the shadow
of addiction.
Our feelings of 
being too much
or never enough,
and realizing that 
our best performances
only gave us the praise
we mistook for love. 

What if we could look at it
through a lens of compassion,
and instead of waiting 
for an apology,
we can seek to understand
how well they actually did
with the little they had at hand. 

Perhaps it is also 
time to let go 
of the coping mechanisms
that helped us survive.
Be it freeze or fawn
fight or flight,
and the triggers 
it still sets off
when we move
just a little
out of the light. 

Because it will 
keep showing up
in our current relationships
as a lack of healthy
boundaries, 
or crippling anxiety
aggression, 
perfectionism
or co-dependency.

Like every generation,
we will make mistakes,
but may we not be guilty
of avoiding 
to do our own work
(if needed with therapy)
because we are 
too busy overfixing
everyone else. 

Maybe it would also 
not hurt to take a second look,
at what didn’t exactly feel comfortable
but turned out to be for our good. 
Because there are pros 
and cons to everything
even on the far side
of each pendulum swing.

I wish it was an option
to land softly in the middle,
but with parenting and life
there is no perfect
middle ground 
or in between.
only navigating
constant change,
sometimes visible
and often unseen.

As we continue to heal
may we grow in
awareness of how 
our actions, 
affect others
And may we make
intentional
(instead of reactional)
shifts in our trajectory.
Because at the end
of the day this
will be our legacy.