Before I dive into this topic, I want to share a little bit of background. I've lived in 12 places, six small towns, and six cities in five countries. If I had a choice, I would choose a small town over a big city any day. I came full circle, currently living in the town where I grew up, and I can confirm that you can travel far and wide - you will struggle to find a match to Free State hospitality and people who show up for each other in amazing ways.
Each small town also has a unique culture and a rich history of friendships and family dramas. Trendsetters and others who follow suit. People who care too much 'what others think' and those who couldn't care less. Some like to stir, and others will go to great lengths to avoid conflict - masking our deep insecurities in various ways. I am well aware that my observations are limited by my perspective and experience. So I am writing this a little tongue in cheek with the only aim to make you think: Have we learned anything? Can we do better? And can we see the bigger picture?
Step one:
Figure out who you are and what you truly believe. Do you value what seems important within the local context, or are you just going with the flow? Do you have the kind of personality that easily fits into the local acceptable mold, or have you always felt different? We live in a magnificent time with tools for self-discovery, online communities (where we can connect with more like-minded people), and ways to stay in touch with friends who 'get us' even if they live on the other side of the world. Two of my favorite typology tools are the Sixteen Personalities website and learning about the Enneagram. Knowing our weaknesses and strengths helps us because we can use our gifts and work on areas in our lives that need improvement.
Step two:
Show up as yourself. You are uniquely designed, and life is too short and precious to be pretentious or waste energy trying to copy someone else's life. This is also one sure way to burn out instead of reaching your full potential. Prioritize the roles only you can play and focus on doing the work that is yours to do. If you think about it, some of the most loved people in small towns are not the ones trying to impress others, but those who are unapologetically themselves.
Step three:
Learn to handle criticism. The odds of everyone in a small town agreeing with all your decisions, approaches, and relationship choices are slim to none. Somewhere along the way, you will be criticized. Constructive criticism delivered with tact can be life-changing, but few people can give great feedback. That is why we need discernment in sifting the voices we allow to speak into our lives. A great quote by Dakota Meyer that became a bit of a rule to live by for me when it comes to criticism is: "Only take criticism from people you would ask for advice."
Photo by Sander Weeteling on Unsplash
Step four:
Choose your friends wisely. There is a simple question you can ask yourself after you spend time with someone: Do you walk away feeling energized or drained? True friends will build you up, respect your boundaries, and make you feel accepted for who you are.
Step five:
Do not take everything personally. You do not have to be invited to every event. You do not need to waste energy fighting rumors or burn out defending yourself. It is impossible to micro-manage what 'others' think. The way people choose to behave (including our children, family members, friends, or romantic partners) is a reflection of who they are. We can only take responsibility for our behavior and intentionally treat others with kindness and respect.
Step six:
Broaden your horizons. If possible, travel. If not, read or listen to podcasts and audiobooks. (My favorite app for this is Everand (used to be Scribd). Join a community of like-minded people, pursue an old hobby again, or study something new through an online course. Knowledge is power, and learning all you can about a current interest or your greatest struggle is often a surprising way to get out of your own head and find solutions instead of complaining about your problems on repeat.
Step seven:
Find your version of 'seeing the bigger picture'. What is your vision for your company, business, work environment, local church, or school? How can you make it your mission to leave places and people a little better than you found them? Will you be able to say (in the words of Brené Brown) that at the end of the day, at the end of the week, at the end of my life, I want to say I contributed more than I criticized?
Great advice and I LOVE this quote, "Only take criticism from people you would ask for advice."
Thank you for introducing it to me!